Have you ever just wanted to leave you behind and become someone completely different?
Well I have quite often recently.
Yesterday I got a message in the middle of class that the pastor wanted to talk to me after school. I had no idea what this regarded so I was like, "um.. Ok, whatever." Well someone on the school board told him I seem out of it or not in control of the youth, or something to that affect. Well, hello! Do you have 2 full time jobs? Well I basically do. Do I have time for them? NO! I try to focus most of my energy on school during the week and on the weekend focus on the youth. This then creates the no day off effect which makes me a very unhappy person a great deal of the time. Plus I have no friends and of recent seem to break down crying at least once a day, maybe more depending on the day. I really just want to go home and have a break for my crappy life here. And then from hearing the pastor it made me feel even worse. I have felt since I got here that people are just waiting for me to make some huge disastrous mistake and laugh in my face about it. From what I understand that is not how things are supposed to work. Talking with my principal he doesn't understand why people haven't been very open or willing to treat me like everyone else at church either. I've been here for 4 months and still sit alone at church, don't feel welcome anywhere I go, and feel like an outsider at church. This is not what I had imagined when going into teaching. I have always wanted to be a teacher up until this year. I thought this was supposed to be a profession where it was rewarding in all kinds of ways and this year I feel like I'm being trampled on and treated like crap by the people who are supposed to be uplifting me. I've been thinking about leacing here and just going to the Boise valley and finding a public school job there so at least I will have family and friends around to support me. I could attend a church I really like, and be spiritually fed at church. That's another one of my big complaints here, I don't get anything out of the church service. I don't like it!
AHHH! I'm so utterly frustrated. I have no one to talk to. My friends who are scattered all over God's green earth are too busy for me to talk to, ever. My parents never call me back, they are too busy for any of their children from what Dotty has told me. I'm totally alone. I don't do alone, I never have. Why am I here? Why am I struggling so much? I just want it to be Christmas so I can go home for 2 weeks and be rid of all this crap. I've decided that I'm driving home for Thanksgiving. I don't care how far it is, I need to get out of here. Plus if I stayed here I would be all alone which would be way worse than anything so far.
Any suggestions for my life please send them my way. I need massive amounts of help. Soon I will be out of tears and I won't know what to do after that.
