Relief

It's amazing how one conversation can make you feel so incredibly differant. Last night I was over at my principal's house for dinner and he told me if I feel like leaving I shouldn't feel bad about it and should get that going sometime around Christmas. He also told me he would write a letter of recomendation as well. Then his wife told me that I shouldn't feel like they want me to leave but don't feel like I have to stay. Hearing this made me feel so much better. I was thinking about leaving and putting my name on the call list after Christmas but now I know its not going to hurt anyones feelings that I leave. I know no job is going to be perfect but this job is so incredibly far from it. I even had a student (3rd garder) tell me he thought my job was really hard becasue I had to do some much. I have like 5 jobs, and the more I talk to people the more they seem to want me to do. That happened earlier this week when I talked to the DCE in Sterling. I had an idea for something to do with the cicuit youth and she told me I should do it. I DON'T HAVE TIME!!!! Anyhow... Plus if I am going to leave I can't very well start a program.
Funny thing that happened on Friday- My 3/4th grade students asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told them no finally after a little prodding. So then they decided I needed to get married so I could be a Mrs., calling me Miss Bentley is too hard. Thier solution is that I marry my dad, MY DAD! What is that? But I told them that wouldn't work becasue my dad is married to my mom. Then, of course, one child wrote me a note to tell me he has a 26 year old cousin who I could marry. Isn't that a great way to end a week? Having 9 and 10 year old try and set me up. hmm...

Weekend

Weekend...It used to have this great feeling associated with it, now it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I love not having to work and just sit around and have no responsibly for a day but its different when there is nothing to keep my mind occupied and it keeps going back to thoughts of things not so great.

Tonight, Friday night, I was home doing nothing. I finally decided to find some dinner at 8:00, and by find I mean drive around until something strikes my fancy. So I drove around for like a hour before coming back. I have nothing to fill my time. I have become this person who does nothing. I was never one to just sit around, I was always the one who wanted to go out, see people, do things. Now I stay in, see no one, and do nothing. Who is this person I am becoming. People at school and church as me what I do on the weekends, I say nothing, and then they get this sad look on their face and tell me they are sorry. How am I supposed to take that? "Oh its okay, I think I might like to become a hermit, its well in the making as of now."

Then there is the other matter, the church. I went to the Board of Elders meeting yesterday, or rather I had to go. Anyhow, I went and was basically told it is not my fault that I can't get anyone to come to Youth Group, it is the church's long time problem. But at the same time there should be a "core group" coming. How many is that? I have no idea and no one has told me. I guess I am supposed to magically know. The church knows no one comes to anything but they don't do anything about it. They have no want to try something new or more contemporary to reach out into the community. I came to this church because I was told that it was an outreach oriented church. AHHH! Everything is so messed up, nothing is what it seemed to be.

While I was driving around tonight I looked up and saw the stars. Instead of thinking how beautiful they were I was bummed because their were no mountains. I miss them so much right now. Last weekend when I went to the Threashing Festival with Bridget we were driving in what looked exactly like Nebraska and she was talking about how this is the part of Colorado she really loved. I almost laughed at her. I don't know how anyone could not love the mountains. It is just beyond me. That's part of the reason I actually like to drive for an hour to go shopping, I at least get to see the montains.

This week is going much better... I don't feel like I want to kill myself at the end of the day. So that is improvment.
I really don't think I would be handling this whole alone thing if it wasn't for being able to talk to friends on a regular basis. I need that soooo much. And also talking to my family. That has actually been surprising. Up until now I only talked to my parents when I needed something and now I talk to my mom about once a week. Its good to talk to people who I know really love me no matter what I do or how bad I screw up. Its amazing what comfort that is.
I also am getting more adjusted to Kindergarten, I no longer feel that teaching 5 year olds is going to kill me. The weird thing is now that I feel out of my element with the 3/4th graders. But that is becasue it is not my class. I am coming into someone else's class and taknig over. Its not a great place to be. I hope that eventually goes away. I will just have to give it time.
Ok, it is 10:30 so I better get to bed so I'm not exhausted in the morning... This is the life I lead.

Home...Where is that

So here I sit at "home" on a Saturday night. By home I mean the basement I live in, in Fort Morgan. Why sit at home when there is soooo much to do here in a town of 12,000, oh wait no there is not. The most excitment of my day was talking to my mom on the phone. And, oh yeah, I almost cried during that too. I seem to be doing a lot of that recently. I am having a really hard time feeling at home in Colorado. While I'm at school things are fine, I like teaching and my kids are really great, all four grades I have throughout the day. But then I come home. I have been sitting and watching a lot of TV and movies. I do have work to do and I get it done but then there is all this down time I don't know what to do with. I have no one to talk to or hang out with even on the weekends. There is no one in the church that is in my age group and I don't even know where else to look.
I'm trying to get the Youth Group up and running as well. Last week we have a meeting and I had three kids show up, I picked up two of them. So I've got all this stuff going on and I don't feel as though any of it is working out at all. I am giving Fort Morgan until Christmas, and if it is not going any better than now I am going to put my name back on the call list. My dream would be to go back to Idaho so that I have the support of my family. If that happened I would be so happy, but I don't know if that is the case or not. Now looking back at when I got my call papers I think God was trying ot tell me this was not the place for me. When I first got them I couldn't sign them becasue I was scared and cried everytime I tried to, I thought it was becasue of camp but now I think it was because I am not meant to be here.
Wow, this is a lot to deal with on a Saturday night at home.